pictures

grand & union, williamsburg

somewhere near chinatown?

 you PAY.

 my roomate went to jersey the other week to buy girl scout cookies.

 williamsburg bride, brooklyn bound

williamsburg bridge, facing manhattan, feat. east river

bicycle

meet the shwinn.

after weeks of scouring craigslist like a meth-head taking the teflon off a frying pan with a paper towel, i found this baby for $130.

that's pretty good. i was happy. a monthly subway card is $100, and i live close enough to manhattan to cycle everywhere.

in that one week, i saw more of new york city than i did in the 2 months that i've been living here. i went to the west village to get mussels, the lower east side to get the wine. the midtown to get the bread. back over the williamsburg bridge, and i'm home.

and after a journey like that, who wants to carry their bike upstairs to their apartment?

it'll be fine! i shall chain it up outside the building. a perfect parking spot, too! a rarity on my street. i carefully wrapped the chain around the frame, wheel and post. man, this chain and padlock weighs a good couple of kilos/double that in pounds.

the next afternoon i wake up. then i have a nap and wake up in the evening, only to discover the pole is still firmly cemented into the ground,  but the schwinn is gone.

vanished into densely polluted air.

someone stole it. how? i have no idea. i don't want the bike back (i bought another one today that is better and it was $10 cheaper) i just want to know HOW they got the lock off.

there are bikes that have been chained up on my block since god created the heavens and the earth, but they're still sitting there. i had to look 4 or 5 times, to make sure i didn't chain it up somewhere else. but no.

gone.

i did some quick calculations. if every citizen in new york bought a bicycle, and every citizen had their $130 bike stolen every week, and each bought a new bike weekly, at just over 8 million people who live here, that equates to a black market economy of:

$4 135 959 280

 

i was so irate that i called the nypd.

Deputy Inspector Michael M. Kemper
Crime Statistics
211 Union Avenue, Brooklyn, NY, 11211
(718) 963-5311

The 90th Precinct is located in northern Brooklyn in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. It is primarily a residential and commercial area consisting of factories, warehouses, one and two family private homes as well as numerous apartment buildings. The five primary commercial strips are Graham Avenue, Grand Street, Lee Avenue, Havemeyer Street and Broadway.

it all looks very impressive, doesn't it... new yorks finest? will i really have the finest detective minds working on the case? will dep. inspector kemper hear about my loss? will there be an episode of law and order dedicated to the theft of my scwhinn? i had a few options. walk to the police station, 3 blocks from my house and tell them about it in person, or call them.


fuck walking.


i call. the response? call 911.


call 911 over a stolen bicycle?


'yeeah, kawll 911.'


i call 911 and a group of officers are dispatched. over a stolen bicycle.


no more than 5 minutes passes, and the police have arrived at my house to make a statement about the bike.


here it is in all its glory. complete with the wrong address & lacking a report number.

pent larceny?

god bless america.

pictures

working too hard

sitting outside work

that it does.

no 'my kid is on the honor roll of ps135' stickers here

nyc cab

finally saw the statue of liberty from fairway in red hook

pictures

outside hewes st subway

toilet at blackbird parlour, bedford avenue, williamsburg

i can't remember where this was.

tired of waiting for standard-length divorces?

live in nyc and can't find decent pizza? pizza hut, of course!

screenshots

facebook ads in brooklyn. 

pictures

i felt like such a pervert taking this photo. but it seemed like a good idea at the time. i never actually saw their faces, i had to get off the train after 20 minutes.

williamsburg courier. also featured in the onion of this week (1st march). meanwhile some hipster-jew at bedford avenue subway stopped me and asked if i was jewish, then whipped out the tefillin and asked if i had 30 seconds to spare. i didn't. sorry buddy.

the 24 hour organic supermarket outside the lorimer L train has some amazing (and expensive) crap in there. 

'cats dig it'

and again.

craigslist

nyc craigslist fascinates me.

it provides an insight into the characters that inhabit this strange city.

most decent or promising jobs usually revolve around unpaid internships. it's pretty depressing; i know of one dude who thought he had secured a paid internship, but i think he has to go for a job in an irish bar now to make that paper. (edit; he now works at an irish bar somewhere in midtown)

either way, considering how many unpaid internships are available on nyc craigslist, perhaps there's quite a demand for them? i tried to find out by putting an unpaid intership ad up for a housecleaner for our apartment.

here goes:

EXCITING OPPORTUNITY FOR MOTIVATED INTERN!
an exciting internship opportunity has come up in a 3 bedroom household in williamsburg, brooklyn.
if you are looking for hands-on experience to maintain cleanliness in the living quarters of three 20-something-year-old males,
then we want to hear from you! 





responsibilities include:





sweeping floors


mopping floors


disinfecting surfaces


cleaning out our marijuana smoking paraphernalia


recycling 


taking out trash


cleaning the sink


clearing kitchen surfaces


dusting out the rug


cleaning the windows


scrubbing out shower mildew


polishing cutlery


cleaning the oven


cleaning the stovetop


cleaning the microwave


cleaning out the coffee press


replacing light bulbs


leveling chairs


sharpening knives


making beds


vacuuming


cleaning and polishing toilet


replacing toilet paper


cleaning out the fridge














the successful candidate will meet the following requirements:





be bilingual (MUST speak fluent Urdu)


able to work in a vegan/vegetarian environment


have a NYC food handling certificate


be 420 friendly


be gay friendly


be pet friendly


have all necessary cleaning chemicals and equipment! WE WILL NOT SUPPLY YOU WITH ANY OF THIS! (vacuum cleaners MUST operate under 10dB!)


have a great attitude


NYC mobile food vendor license


able to lift 30 pounds


knows how to work smarter AS WELL AS harder


have a 'can-do' attitude


willingness to roll up your sleeves


maturity


highly enthusiastic & high energy


excellent organizational skills


excellent phone manner


located in brooklyn


college graduate


well groomed


able to work independently


own a macbook pro (do NOT apply if you own just a macbook!)


proficient in microsoft office package and adobe software


attention to detail is a must


minimum 5 years NYC cleaning/janitorial experience


punctual


must be able to meet strict deadlines


pass a background check (no cons!)


must be serious


expected to work 5-7 days a week


must be able to work in a fast paced environment


have references from no less than 12 previous internships








please email your resume in PDF FORMAT ONLY with a recent collection of pictures of your face, ass, tits (if applicable) and body. amateur photography will not be considered! please book a professional photographer to take photos of you. we are professional people, and expect the same professional attitude from you. we are not a point and click digital camera. we are an SLR showcase. please respect that. in your email, please explain WHY you feel we should take you on as our lucky intern. please structure all responses in haiku verse! those who do NOT structure their e-mails in haiku will nullify their eligibility for this position!


as this is an internship, we are unable to provide the candidate with financial compensation, however, we are willing to let you have a few olives from the fridge (please do NOT abuse this privilege). there is, however, strong potential for transition to part-time summer internship. no, we cannot provide you with college credits, so please do NOT ask! 













TIMEWASTERS NEED NOT APPLY!



 Location: williamsburg 
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests 
 Compensation: UNPAID INTERNSHIP. YOU CAN HAVE SOME OLIVES. 
so,
there were no responses to my ad. in fact, within 3 hours it had been flagged for removal, and only 2 of my friends
on facebook had the opportunity to 'like' it. 


who was it that flagged it for removal? what an asshole.
you might think i'm being a bit fussy, putting all those requirements for intern up. 
but most of the craigslist intership ads have the same crap in them, so i think it's totally fair. 


if you are looking to apply for this internship, i'm still taking applications. email me.